Time

Where has it gone? Ty is growing like a weed! My feelings are so emotional right now because I'm so tired, so I want time to speed up (so he'll sleep through the night), but he's growing so fast that I want it to slow down.

Ty, you are one month old today. One month ago your dad and I were trying to decide if it was your time to come. The Tuesday afternoon induction that turned into being actual labor with contractions coming every 2-3 minutes, inserting the IV, the decision to get the epidural even though I wasn't really feeling the contractions, the epidural itself, which I didn't even feel, with your father holding my hand all the way through and telling me everything was going to be OK.

Then, after sixteen hours of pitocin and an epidural boost, the nurse telling us we might have to have an emergency c-section, severe hunger I was sure I was going to die from, and finally you, our little baby boy with a cone head of dark hair, your dad filming every cry and tear as I got stitched up, lying there in awe that I had a son to take care of. Finally getting you cleaned up, me some water at least, feeding you for the first time, trying to close my eyes and convince your dad to too, to get some rest before the storm hit that night.

Those long hours in the hospital talking with your dad, and visits from the doctors and nurses and still not believing we had a baby. Your first night with me freaking out because you kept chocking so they had to pump your stomach twice. Also wondering how I was going to get through the night without my mom by my side. Many, many hours and shifts of nurses coaxing you to latch on and feed. Finally getting discharged and going home on Christmas Eve. The joy of being home faded quickly by days and nights of no sleep and a very sleepy baby because you weren't getting nutrients, nursing wasn't going too well.

And then, somehow, we got to know each other. Suddenly you were sleeping for more than three hours, you were recognizing our voices and you were losing that swollen newborn look and filling out into your own. I know your face will change over and over as the months and years go by and you'll get cuter and cuter, if that it is at all possible because you are so adorable right now. You haven't given us a smile yet (only in your sleep), but I know it will come once your dad makes a silly face at you. Your father likes to think that you are smiling at him, but really you are just gassy or content.

You "reach" and put your hands in your mouth like crazy when you are hungry and whimper a little when you are really hungry, but this is all worth it when you finally let your burps fly and fall asleep on our chests, your little stomach moving in and out with your tiny little baby breaths.